THE 2012 MOVIE TRAILER REVIEWS

Isn’t it about time I started yacking on my blog again? Hopefully this is still set up the way I left it so that whatever I type here shows up on Facebook in My Notes area. In any event…HOW Y’ALL DOIN’? Just wanted to do my annual Review of the Nerd Film Trailers for 2012. I last did this in April of—hey will you look at that—LAST YEAR. So, I’m keeping with tradition. That being said, I will be listing each of the sci-fi/fantasy movies that are slated to come out (or have already come out as in one case), and giving a brief commentary on the TRAILER for said movie and a rating on the patented, copyrighted, “no you can’t use it” Turner Anticimeter, using the normal 1 to 10 scale, meaning 1 for I would rather watch a flea suck blood out of a dog then go see this movie, to 10, meaning God Himself would have to smote the earth with an asteroid to keep me from seeing this movie. All in all, it’s just another futile attempt to practice my pee-poor writing abilities. If anything, you can point at your screen after reading this and say, “HEY, I’m SMARTER than this idiot.” You’ll have THAT going for ya! Here we go! In NO particular order:

TOTAL RECALL—Based on the sci-fi short story by Philip K. Dick short story “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale”, this is the classic “reboot” of the movie that starred AHHHHHHHNULD and a young butt kickin’ Sharon Stone. The premise is all futuristic and pure sci-fi craziness, which I sort of dig. And I REALLY did like the AHHHHHHNULD version very much, hokey as it was at times (a three breasted mutant woman on Mars…REALLY???). This trailer makes the movie look edgier, and certainly with the technology of today, just CHOCK FULL OF EFFECTS. Starring Colin Farrell, who I am NOT a big fan of, this movie actually looks pretty dang good. Actually…this is my first 10 rating. It’s a weak 10 because of Farrell, BUT, he looks great in this. Can’t wait.

BATTLESHIP—I will admit that the VERY first teaser trailer totally turned me off. If I were to have written this back then when that teaser came out, I would have given it a 2 or a 3. Seriously. It screamed “I WANNA BE JUST LIKE MICHAEL BAY AND BLOW ALL KINDS OF CRAP UP”—and hey look at that, with things that sort of look Transformer-ish. HEY WAIT!! It’s even BROUGHT TO US BY the SAME dang TOY COMPANY…Hasbro! REALLY!!???? Yeah—this was nothing more than Transformers Light—tastes great, less filling. Whatever. Not even the omnipresence of the gravelly stoic voice of Liam Neeson, who everyone FAWNS over as being the actors actor ((rolling my eyes and smacking my forehead)), could make this movie any better. “But Turner, RHIANNA is in it.” ((blinking)) Who’s that?? ANYWAY—MY POINT…if I could ever freakin’ get to it, is that a few more trailers came out. And you know what—by golly, this stupid movie started to grow on me. Even Liam himself wasn’t irritating me to the core. The movie looks nothing more like popcorn fun, and I think my expectations will stay RIGHT at that level. So for taking it for what it is—aliens, invasions, explosions—I’m giving this an 8!

THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN—((thunk!!!!!!)) That was the sound of my jaw hitting the floor. Are you FREAKIN’ kidding me? You know, after the absolute TRAVESTY of how Spiderman was UTTERLY destroyed by the schlock-fest known as Spiderman 3, I thought for sure we would NEVER see Spiderman on the silver screen again. But no, someone at Columbia thought, “You know, I think because Spiderman 3 was such a schlock fest according to that Turner fellow, we should just reboot the whole damn franchise to rid ourselves of the taste of Toby Macquire and him CRYING…and DANCING…and acting the fool!” RIGHT ON BROTHER! Go fight the good fight ((rolling my eyes)). What is there out there in the Spiderman universe that didn’t get covered in the three previous movies? SERIOUSLY! What? And this trailer does NOTHING to entice me to come back and see it, except maybe for the morbid curiosity of how some OTHER no-name 20-something is going to flesh out the Peter Parker character. I’d rather pop a zit to be honest, but, since I’m zit free, I guess I’ll go see this. Grudgingly. I give it a barely believable 5. And I’m being REALLY generous.

SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMEN--now THIS looks interesting. And it sort of splits me in half. One side of me is really intrigued by the story line (which we ALL know, but there’s a twist), the beautiful “look” to the movie, and the acting GODLINESS of Charlize Theron, who could read the ingredients from a tube of toothpaste standing on her head in a pink tutu, and I’d give her a freakin’ Academy Award. Then there’s the other side of me that dry heaves everytime I see her on screen, and that of course is the ACTING DYNAMO Kirsten Stewart. Yawwwwwwwn…oh sorry. Just saying her name bores me. In any event, I’ll just have to make do and keep a barf bag handy, because I REALLY DO want to see this movie. “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s that crappy actress that bores us all.” It’s ok…I’m sorry all you Twilight fans. There’s no love for Miss Mopey. I give this trailer a 7.

JOHN CARTER—from what I have read, this was the most oddly titled, mismarketed HUGELY expensive movie ever—well, behind the crapfest that we call “Waterworld”, but unlike Waterworld, this is actually a good movie—or so I hear. But the TRAILER is great. AWESOME. I love it. And it really whetted my appetite for fantastical science fiction movie with what appeared to be GREAT imagery and effects. So, without knowing anything about the movie, I had already given it an 8. I’ll keep it there now that the movie is out, and hopefully I’ll have some time to be able to actually go see it. But really Disney…JOHN CARTER? In all of your movie-making experience, there was not ONE better idea then JOHN CARTER as a working title. KICKING MARTIAN BUTT would have been a better title. I’M PICKING MY GREEN MARTIAN BUGGERS is better. John CARTER?!?!? Really Disney. Fire THAT person.

MEN IN BLACK 3—Oh my goodness. Can the all-powerful, all-funny, everyone-likes-him, can-do-no-wrong Will Smith hit it out of the park for this third time around battling aliens and saving the planet? Can we still find the humor in Tommy Lee Jones and his sardonic and dead pan ways? Do we still CARE? Using a time-travel plot device (gee, we’ve NEVER seen that before!!), the producers think they can squeeze more life out of the franchise. I thought MIB2 was BARELY passable, so MUCH is going to have to happen in this movie to sell me on the idea that it was actually a good idea to do a third movie. But, looking at the trailer, I’m sorry to say, even with Josh Brolin’s DEAD ON impression of what a young Tommy Lee Jones would look like—I don’t think there’s much hope. Think this is going to be a stinker of a movie. BEWARE! I give it a 5.

WRATH OF THE TITANS—I love Sam Worthington. I think he’s awesome. And he returns to play Zeus’ half human/half god son, because apparently Zeus needed some human woman on the side—because, you know, human women are sooooooooo much more fun then those boring goddesses ((rolling my eyes))—whatever. STUPID. BUT…wow wow wow wow!!! I thought the first move, Clash of the Titans, was just ok. But this looks SOLID. And yeah yeah yeah, lookee there…Liam Neeson to play Zeus. Great. Thanks. I’ll get past that. There is some GREAT effects and cinematography by what I could see in the trailer, and I’m actually looking forward to it. ESPECIALLY to see the creature designs…ESPECIALLY the Chimera. Anyway—I’m hyped. But not quite a 10. I’ll give it a STRONG 8. (Editor’s note—this movie has been released…and I’m a gonna go see it…SOLO!! No interest from The Wife. Even with Sam Worthington in the movie.)

THE AVENGERS—I give it a 20!!!! ‘Nuff said. I should just cut to the chase and give it a 20. This looks really awesome. And the newest mini trailer came out that had Captain America tell Hulk to go smash. Hulk SMILED! YESSSSSSSSSSS!!! This looks awesome. Easy and strong 10 on the Anticimeter!

LOCKOUT—When I first heard of this movie, the premise being the President’s daughter was caught on a maximum security prison overtaken by the inmates, I was transported back to the great sci-fi flick “Escape From New York”. Difference with this movie is that the prison is in space, and this is set way in the future. But beyond that, I wasn’t initially to impressed. Starring yet ANOTHER male actor that I am not very fond of, Guy Pearce, I wasn’t thinking I would actually see this. But much like “Battleship”, I kept my eyes on the trailers and clips. This looks ok. I actually watched the first five minutes of the movie on line, and I actually liked it even more. And Guy Pearce…he’s alright. So I’m giving the movie a tentative 7.

PROMETHEUS—What can get much better than Ridley Scott directing a prequel of sorts to the Alien franchise? Not much. BUT…seeing as the Alien franchise/”universe” was nearly destroyed by two REALLY crappy movies (“Aliens 3” and “Alien VS Predator”), I reserve getting over-the-top enthusiastic about this. It DOES look VERY VERY good. And I hope the movie answers some “questions” about the Alien race itself. But we shall see. By the look of the trailer, the cinematics look absolutely mind boggling incredible. There is MUCH enthusiasm in me about this. I can’t wait! A 10…with a nod to the SLIGHT tingle of reservation I have about it being a let down as the last two Alien movies were. But…it IS Ridley Scott! Back and forth I go…LOL!

THE HOST—I don’t know how many more movies can be released that follows the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” formula, but apparently Twilight author Stephanie Meyer is taking a stab at it. I actually read the book, and it is a bit of a twist on the formula. The trailer was just a teaser, but if they stick to that stylistic approach, it has some promise. And I refuse to say look at it through my Twilight-damaged eyes. I will remain open. I think the Twilight movies sucked but actually the books were sort of enjoyable. The Host was also pretty good from a book standpoint. Let’s see if they can make a better movie than the Twilight schlock.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN, VAMPIRE HUNTER—I watched the trailer hoping for something better, and I was severely disappointed. If a trailer can irritate me, I think the movie probably could turn me into a rampaging Hulk. I’m not going to be seeing this unless some miracle happens, it just kicks butt. I highly doubt it will. I give this trailer a 2.

IRON SKY, NAZIS FROM THE MOON—Hey…Nazi’s from the moon! It could happen! RIGHT? I know there are some that think that there is nothing that can be funny about the Nazi’s. I disagree. I think they’re perfect for lampooning, which I think this movie is all about. It’s got that “Mars Attacks” over-the-top vibe to it. Don’t think it has the HIGHEST production value ever, but it does look intriguing. I might wait for it on DVD. Trailer is a solid 6.

LOOPER—I JUST got word of this movie today, and saw a pre-teaser interview with Joseph Gordon Levitt and the director/writer something or other. It’s a time travel movie, again, with a twist, where the future self of Levitt, played by THE MAN Bruce Willis, comes back in time to kill himself. ((double take at my monitor)) Yeah, I know—a huge violation of the Time Travel Paradox…but LOOK BEYOND THAT. I don’t have a trailer to rate, but I am looking forward to the movie. Very much. I love time travel stuff, be it “Back to the Future” to “Butterfly Effect” to “Star Trek”.

G.I. JOE-RETALIATION—I absolutely HATED the first G.I. Joe movie. It was sooooooo ridiculously bad. And it soured me greatly on any other movie that would come along with a continuation of the franchise. But, there are a couple of things going for this movie, based on the trailer. First, my idol, The Rock, stars. Can’t go wrong there. Second, Jonathan Pryce plays a VERY evil looking American President. And third…BRUCE WILLIS!! Come ON!! It’s GOT to be good. Annnnnnnnnnd…if I read the correct chatter…they kill off Channing Tatum in the beginning of the movie! YEAH!!!!!! Thank GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!! I can’t stand that guy. UGH!! Anyway, I’m looking at this with a strong 7.

And there you go...a lot of great movies, and I think there are some other good non-sci-fi/fantasy movies coming out this summer and fall. Looking forward to The Expendables 2, because you just can't get enough EXPLOSIONS!!!!!! LOL!!

Happy Movie Watching!!