Curve ball...

I'm sitting here in a terminal in the distant land of Florida--Tampa to be exact. My plane which was supposed to leave a long time ago is not leaving for another long while. And so here I sit. I guess I could be really irritated. I could even get mad. Or sad. I have a wife and 3 kids at home that are patiently awaiting my arrival, which now looks like it may not be until tomorrow if this crappy mid-western weather carries on the way it is (which is where my plane currently sits--in Chicago). But as I've come to realize in my short 42 years of life that there is a choice that can be made, and I am choosing to chill out and not worry too much. And besides, being stuck in an international airport as beautiful as Tampa with a laptop and free wireless internet and a nice ice cream store nearby makes me wonder really, what in the hell do I have to worry about?

Nothing.

But I guess what's even worse for me is this feeling that has come over me in the last few minutes. And the timing of why this sadness has come into my life is even more curious, because of my last posting (read the one below this one so you can get a handle on my mind set). The only way my puny human intellect can wrap its arms around things is by giving the awfully immature summary of "I must be going through a test of what I just posted."

What am I talking about?

Well, I was sitting here in the airport, watching people going by, looking at my stupid meaningless Facebook account, trading insults and jokes via text message with my wife, answering some work emails from my fire department friends...in a nutshell, minding my own business. And up pops an email which is actually a text message from a cell phone number I don't recognize. And the message...well...it made me stop for a second and take a deep breath for sure. By the look of what was typed, something was wrong. Let me do a little historical trip for a minute before I go on....and you'll have to excuse me. This posting is as therapeutic for me as it may be completely too much info for you. I apologize. You may understand in a bit more.

When I was in high school, specifically my senior year, and with all the VAST experience I had had with girls up to this point (I'm being sarcastic...I dated a clarinet player for approximately 14 minutes, and dated a friend from my neighborhood for about 2 months before her dad decided I wasn't good enough and CERTAINLY not Christian enough), I fell head over heels for yet ANOTHER flute player in band. Out of respect for her privacy, I'm going to not publish her name. I think she'd appreciate that since apparently I have 24.5 million people reading my words at any one moment (I KID--which is strange, I really shouldn't be kidding right now). Anyway, "M" and I had what could be described as a great relationship that ran the gamut of teenage angst and drama and love and hurt and jealousy and "end of the world"-isms. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. But it was a tumultuous time where in the end our lives quietly went seperate directions--she into the working corporate world, and me...I don't know. Where the hell did I go anyway? Well, I ended up at the fire department which is sort of a defining moment for me because a LOT of things happened right around the time. My dear mother died, I got hired with the OCFA and started my career, and I met my wife.

But over the years M and I stayed in contact somehow. I don't remember exactly how I was able to track her down by email several years ago but I did or maybe she did. I can't remember. But we've stayed in contact, updating each other on the happenings in our lives. I've always found it strangely comforting to be able to have that one link in M to my past. In any event, it turned out she had been working in the next city over from where I had been living, and that's where she met her husband and blah blah blah.

Fast forwarding to today--Tampa, me, a laptop, free internet...life is good. And an email popped up from M's sister, a person who I truly had not talked to for probably 20 years. It simply said, "This is M's sister. Call me immediately." Something was wrong. I'm too much of a public safety professional to look at an email like that and think "Oh she's probably wanting to invite me to a baseball game". Something was wrong. And the timing made sense too. You see, when I got to Tampa, I emailed M to say hi and "check in", something we seem to do every so often via email. And M always answers me within 12 hours or so, and when she hadn't I thought that she and her family were probably out vacationing or whatever...I mean, there's a million reasons why someone doesn't email you back right away. Computers break, plans change, things happen, life is what it is. I wasn't worried at all, but I filed her non response away as something that I was going to get to later when I returned to a NORMAL state....like CALIFORNIA!!! Don't get me started...

But...something was wrong now.

I immediately called the number, and to my surprise, M answered the phone. And the news wasn't good. She had had a seizure on Friday night, and had been in the hospital since then, and was diagnosed with a brain tumor.

I was dumbfounded. I'm sitting in an airport terminal, with crappy phone reception, hearing the former love of my life and someone who I had "dreamed" with about what it would be like to be married some day to her and she who would tease me ENDLESSLY that if we DID get married that I would be FORCED to dance at our reception...here she was telling me that she had a brain tumor. After 14 years of marriage and 3 kids, I've learned a great deal about being compassionate and loving and helpful and the like, but I still get tongue-tied when faced with something so...well, I'm not one to be delicate...but something so devastating. I still have problems saying "I'm so sorry" because I feel like there's so much more I need to say...or do...or fix...I'm a man. Give me a hammer and a screwdriver, some duct tape, and wam bam thank you mam I'll take care of that tumor for you.

But I couldn't. And I uh uh uh uh...great. You haven't talked to M in 20 years, and here you sound like a freakin' ape on the phone with her. What could I do? What could I say? I told her I was so sorry. I told her to "keep me in the loop". WTF, TURNER?!?!?! LOOP!?!?!?! She has a tumor in the brain, and here I am talking fire department talk to her. LOOP!?!?! Great. Size 11 in my mouth--someone call the Foot Removal Squad.

I AM so sorry. I am TERRIBLY TERRIBLY concerned. I strangely want to drop what I'm doing and DO SOMETHING--even though I have my own wife and children and family and she has hers. Strange. But I just didn't know what to do. Her sister got on the phone with me, and we talked. Instead of doing this with M, I instead told her sister (as if I'm an expert...but I certainly can SOUND like one I guess) that medical technology is SO advanced and I know two people that have bounced back from brain surgery and to not worry and to be strong...words for M. Not her sister. But maybe for her sister too.

And I think about what I typed below about prayer and about prayers being answered. And I know that life SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS when things like this happen and you want to just scream at the top of your lungs WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????? God knows I have screamed that--LITERALLY--in my lifetime. WHY!?!?!?!?

But therein is the secret to trying to wrap our brains around things like this. Choices. You decide what you want to do with what's handed to you. And then you take each day as it goes. I have a friend from church who is the most amazing man on the planet. He has the WORST FORM OF LEUKEMIA right now...THE worst. Reading his story on CaringBridge and seeing how he's handled things is a DIRECT and TANGIBLE testament to me that you CHOOSE your roads...your reactions...and actions...and you do the best. Or you don't and you curl up and you die. My friend, who is only a couple of years older than me, should be dead now. He's not. Through aggressive medical technology, treatment, INSISTENT and PERSISTENT desire to get the VERY VERY best, and not to mention, his unbelievable attitude and will and desire to be the best example of his religion he could be, he's almost totally beat this. It's not a joke--10 years ago, he would have been dead a long time ago. My other friend from church, 55 year old woman, THE GREATEST example of the "perfect" grandma, happy, positive, loving...started feeling dizzy one day. Went in, got checked out, and she had a tumor in her brain, and it was in a really really bad area. But with medical technology and aggressive treatment and her positive outlook and I would think TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE (and I'm not being melodramatic) praying for her and just supporting her with emails and thoughts, she came out of her brain surgery with a little hearing loss and a bit of vertigo. But she's alive!!! She's happy!!! She's grateful!!!

I don't know if M will ever read this--nor do I know what's going to happen with her. All I know is that I'm being challenged right now to put my money where my mouth is. I need to also step up to the plate and not give any lip service to the concept of prayer, but to be active in it and do my best to do what I CAN do as a friend from long ago.

I told her to "hang in there"...I hope she knows that without me being "in the way" and certainly not trying to take the place of the husband she already has, that I will be "with her", if anything, in spirit.

Hang in there, M.

Tampa and beyond...

Don't know if anyone is bothering to read this lame blog anymore, but I thought I would check in. I am typing to you from my hotel room in downtown Tampa, Florida, where it's been hot and muggy with some very spectacular thunderstorms in the late afternoon. I'm down here part of the National Emergency Number Association, a professional association of 911 industry professionals, the like of what I AM apparently. Anyway, been here doing classes and talking to vendors and having a blast networking and learning some new ideas that I can DEFINITELY use at the old OCFA. Speaking of which, check out that video in the next post down of me in a Public Service Announcement (PSA) back in 2001. My hair was actually ALL BROWN!!! What a concept!!!

I don't talk much about my personal faith on this blog, because it's personal, and the topic of religion and sprituality and all that usually turns people off. Based on who's talked to me about my blog over the last couple of years, it would be fair to say that some of you don't have any feelings in particular or are in some ways not believing in any kind of spirituality at all or certainly not of God in the traditional sense. Well, forgive me for broaching the subject, but I do believe in God and have for a long time. I don't pound people over their heads with it, I don't preach, I don't lay down vast judgements against people that don't believe like I do, and I certainly don't like to be treated any other way than how I believe I do treat people in regard to religion and faith and belief. Like I said, it's personal. And one's behavior is usually called into question when they wear their religious beliefs on their sleeves, making it easy to be the focus of illogical leaps of reason that cause people to say "Well, look at HIM, he's acting like an idiot, so all _________________ (insert name of religion) adherents must be that way!" That's where I stand with it. You either believe in God, you believe in SOMETHING out there but don't know what it is, or you don't and think it's all silly.

Fine.

Back to my beliefs. For those that think it's all silly, it would be very easy to argue that if I spend anytime praying that it's akin to me talking to myself. Or to a wall. But I do pray. Not often enough, but as of the last few months, moreso than I have say the several months before that. There are many things in my life that I won't go into great detail about that I believe need "divine help". I believe one of those prayers was answered just in the same style that God always seems to answer my prayers--very quietly, very subtley, and by using people.

I had the good fortune to run into a man who is a manager of communications center in the fine and beautiful state of Washington. He was in one of my classes this past weekend, and considering my normally outspoken, opinionated, loud, and sometimes humorous M.O., he gravitated towards me probably out of sheer curiousity as to what the hell was my problem (I'm being overly dramatic--he was actually in my small group as we tackled a problem as an exercise in this class). In any event, I ended up making friends with this very very funny and quite well spoken man who was here with one of his dispatchers from his agency, who I too met. We all seemed to hit it off, and I joined them for lunch and then later for dinner, and it was just typical convention/industry-related banter and humor (because I can't go anywhere and be serious).

As it turns out, we spent a lot of "off" time from the convention just hanging out, and truth be told considering I also like to be a loner (which is really a dichotomy--I'm the freakin' life of a party and can sustain vast amounts of "attention" by virtue of some of positions in life, but I need to be ALONE...weird...Hello, Dr. Freud???), it was actually nice to have someone to talk to considering I'm seperated by approximately 2500 miles from the four most important people in my life. And during our times together eating lunch or taking a walk after class or whatever (we actually went and saw Iron Man on Monday night if I'm not mistaken), these two guys would subtlely but plainly make it clear to me that they were Christian. They didn't cuss, they both talked glowingly about their wives and kids, and talked about other things using the word "faith" and "blessings" and "God's hand". So I knew that they both were different, in a good way though. Again--I keep mum about my religion and don't talk much about it to anyone unless someone is to ask, and then I'm more than willing to ramble on about it. But I've learned and matured and keep my comments to myself unless I'm asked.

IN ANY EVENT, this evening was our last night together. They both are going to a class tomorrow and I'm getting on a plane and heading home. They called me at about 8pm tonight, and left a message for me on my cell saying they were going to a pizza joint in the neighborhood of our hotel, and to come meet them if I wanted. I had eaten dinner earlier by myself and had gone for a 3 mile walk/job (because I'm a fat ass and I hate myself because of it--but that's another story!!!!), and so I wasn't really wanting to go out. I was more comfortable just watching TV and being quiet--the loner raises it's ugly head again. But something motivated me. Don't know what. Actually, I don't want to admit what it was that motivated me because I'll be thought of as a loon. But I think I was being given a very quiet and personal "nudge". I'll leave it at that.

So I put on a fresh set of clothes and headed out to the pizza place--a total dive with the biggest freakin' calzones I've EVER SEEN!!! They should be classified as small vehicles. They are HUGE. I wasn't hungry but I just sat and we talked and laughed and talked to a bum and talked and laughed...guy stuff. Normal. But these two were sharing ideas with me as they had been doing all week about things management-wise in the 911 industry that was very much appreciated and NEEDED by me.

But that's not the answer to the prayer.

The answer to the prayer came later, when we had sauntered back over to our hotel and sat in the lounge with our styrofoam cups of ice and old soda from the pizza place. And we talked about marriage and the importance of family and many other things that, well, to be honest, guys don't normally talk about. The American model of guyhoodedness would have us sitting there with beers, yapping endlessly about sports, or oogling at women walking by, or how much of a bitch our wives were. We weren't. And with great respect to a great group of guys that I DO hang around with at lunch sometimes back at work, it was refreshing for once. Here were two guys that honored their wives. Unheard of. And they honored NOT because they went on and on and on about how wonderful they were--it was by what they were NOT saying. They weren't bitching, they weren't whining...I mean, we ARE men and maybe a couple of funny humorous little things slipped out, but it was done in fun. And one of the guys recommended to me a book called "The Five Faces (or Languages) of Love" that supposedly is THE BEST BOOK TO HELP MARRIAGES GET STRONGER.

I need that book right now. Answer one.

Answer two came in the form of--now don't laugh--a rather deep discussion we were having about esteem and self-filters and who we really are and how people really see us. This post has already gone on long enough, so I'll try to wrap this up. But, what was said and how it was said was something I really needed to hear. I haven't heard what was said to me this evening before, and it got me realizing that, bottom line, I am quite horrible....to myself. Before anyone gets a chance to beat me up about anything, I'm usually already well underway, complete with boxing gloves and assorted tools, beating the crap out of myself. About what? WHATEVER. My shortcomings. My mistakes. My flaws. And the answer to a prayer came from someone who 5 days ago didn't know me from Adam.

I only share this not because you're going to fully understand or appreciate the gravity of what transpired tonight. I guess only I can actually "feel" that, and try as I might, the command of the English language doesn't guarantee that I would be able to convey that idea or feelings. But what I CAN convey....and I really really take a big chance typing this...but what I CAN convey, strongly, is that prayer works because there IS a God. There's nothing in the world I can do to make him love me anymore than he already does, and because he does, he does answer prayers. It was proven tonight to me--AGAIN--because I forgot recently. That's the end of my sermon. Appreciate you reading.

I am YOUR fire department...

Here's a public service announcement filmed back I believe just before 9-11...it played in all the theaters in O.C. as well as local cable.