Oh I went and did it now...

So last night after I posted my little previous tizzy fit, I popped in Transformers--The Michael Bay Experience thinking that maybe watching big giant robots fart around on the screen would relieve me a little of the awful stress and frustration that's currently chomping a hole in my stomach. Nothing a little Diet Coke can't fix--don't worry. But in any event, I was sadly mistaken. I ended up irritated...here's why.

--The chick that plays the "love interest" in the movie...yeah...good ol' what's her name. Very memorable. Other than the fact that she was clearly about 30 years old, and NOT a high schooler, she spent every seen looking like she was just waking up. Her emotional stretch in the movie was to cry--but only a little bit--when Bumblebee was getting pwned by the Section 7 numbnuts. Which, a scene in and of itself, was supposed to create an emotional stretch for me as I was supposed to feel sorry for the poor underdog Bumblebee. The only thing I needed to stretch was my back--it was sore. There was NO bonding between me the viewer and Bumblebee.

--Bumblebee. WTF. You have Megatron, BoneCrusher, Star Scream, Ironhide, Optimus Prime...and Bumblebee. Do I need to point out the obvious?

--Michael Bay sucks. If you get past the explosions and quick cuts, there's this little thing in movie making called continuity. I could never, for the freakin' life of me, figure out the "timing" of things. His movies are so disjointed timewise that you're wondering "How the hell did the sun go down so fast?!?!?" Case in point. The Mitwicki/Nitwicki whatever lead charter played by LeBouf whatshisputz goes to a "party" in a park in his car with a nerd friend, who thank GOD IN HEAVEN is only in THAT scene. Sun is CLEARLY up. CLEARLY it's day time. Hot chick who becomes love interest storms away, he goes and picks her up, there on a road, and seemingly he's going to take her home. Next thing we see, the sun is just beginning to wane, BUT AMAZINGLY THEY SHOW UP ON A DIRT ROAD ON A HILL WITH A TREEEEEEEEE!!! For God's sakes. WHY?? HOW??? Anyway, the car spurts and stalls and you have the famous "hood scene" as LeBouf is practically salivating and oogling the 30 year old high school senior who is checking out his engine. Scene lasts about 4 minutes (too long) and the next thing you see is them driving away from this hilltop spot as the car miraculously begins to work and he continues is gallant ways and takes her home. Assuming of course they were in the same city, the NEXT shot is him pulling up to her house, as if HOURS had passed--it's TOTALLY night time, and I'm making a big damn deal about this because it ties in to what the broad says as she gets out of the car. "Well, I had fun today..." FUN!??!?!?!!? Fun doing WHAT????? You looked at his engine and got a ride from a dorky nerd. That sort of non-sequiter crap is sooooooooo Michael Bay. He must be sitting back and say "JUST GET TO THE EXPLOSIONS PART!!! HURRY UP!!! I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS WHAT THEY SAY!!!!"

--The "cube" is of extreme importance to the Autobots and Decepticons. Fine. Bumblebee is, as the underdog should, able to be saved from the Section 7 dips and led to where this giant building sized cube is. He/IT puts his/its hands on the cube, and magically, it Rubik's cubes itself down to a loaf of bread size box. Fine! I CAN BUY THAT. But uhhhh...I'm not a scientist, but I'm thinking if this cube fell out of space, which it did, and landed deep in earth, which it did, than I'm thinking it ways more than a few pounds, right? Right. Let's pretend it way a ton. 2000 lbs. This thing "transforms" and folds and rotates down to the size of a box. Shouldn't that box weigh a ton???? I didn't lose mass, right? Just volume. Krikey.

--Why give the stupid cube to a stupid dorky human to run about 20 miles to some stupid building to hand off to the military while two Autobots run defense for him. I would have just said, "Uhhhh, Ironhide, you're the one with the freakin' bazooka hands, YOU TAKE IT." It was DUMBEST plot device I had ever seen in a movie. If it was soooooooooo stinking important, what the hell is human running around with it. Not to mention the shot they showed of the building to take it to was approximately 1 block away, but the nerdy kid seemed to run from here in Brea to Abileen freaking Texas. JUST GET TO THE BUILDING ALREADY.

They filmed part of the movie in Pasadena. The school exterior shots were of Marshall Fundamental on Allen Ave near my dad's house, and it's where my grandfather was a coach and teacher back in the 30's and 40's. The car lot where Bernie Mac sold the Camaro (Bumblebee) is on Lake Ave, just south of Eliot Junior HS. Oh yeah--and part of the pursuit in the first part of the movie was filmed in downtown Pasadena, specifically on Oakland St. just south of Colorado by the First United Methodist Church, which you can clearly see in the background. I know the homes in the neighborhood are of Pasadena Gamble house Mission style Craftsmen blend. I am geeking out here, hanh?

Anyway...there you go. My take.

Oh wait--one more observation.

--John Turturro...sometimes critics will politely say about an actor "...he really chewed up the scenes" or "...was really over the top". For Turturro in Transformers, his acting was so bad that the previous two descriptions fall FAR SHORT of what TRULY described his embarrassing take on being a "man in black". Yikes.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...now I feel better.